The Unsent Letters
I was never good enough for you
Dear Dad,
I didn’t realise that you were keeping score on how I was preforming as your daughter, a game with unwritten rules and consequences. So when I failed, you had the evidence to cast me out.
For years I felt unseen and overlooked by you. Even sitting in rooms where people didn’t know that you had two daughters, how do you think that made me feel?
The times when I needed you the most, you didn’t offer a helping hand.
I was surprised when you admitted that you didn’t do enough, that you could have done more - for a fleeting moment I thought you recognised the hurt. But no, it only fuelled your unkindness as you disregarded my lived experience to focus on the failings that you held against me.
Have you ever loved me?
To say that you did more than most is absurd, that you believe that money is the measure of what makes a ‘good father’. I’m sure most people would rather an emotionally present parent, than presents - someone who eases the emotional load, that smiling face of encouragement.
Was that too much to ask?
I understand you had it tough on the island, told to stay away from your brethren - not knowing your daddy. I understand the complexities. But, for that very reason did you not want to be different?
The father wound cut me deep, I became a magnet and dumping ground for men just like you, one even shared your name. Shape shifting, forsaking my own needs so they would put me first! In my quest to be loved.
I tried (and failed) to be a dutiful daughter but I admit my efforts were often in vain. Not motivated by love only duty, which became a bitter pill to swallow. The awkward exchange of hugs was apparent, an emotional gulf between us.
What relationship was there to grieve, when we didn’t have one to start with?
You have shown me time and time again that I am not worthy of your time or patience. So, when you told me I was a disappointment and a bad daughter, it only confirmed what I had always known.
I was never good enough to be your daughter…and with that I let you go!
I share more about the complexities of my relationship with my father and his family in the podcast episode ‘Too Black? Too White? Growing up Mixed Race in the UK’